Letter to my biological father.

I don't really know the man I am writing to. I have spent no more than 24 hours with him since 1973 when he moved away with his new family and pretended I didn't exist.  When he swept back into my life in 1984 he acted as if he was the 2nd coming of Christ, he expected me to worship him as a long lost hero.  My first impressions of my biological father when I was 14 were not good. He was trying to be cool and he wasn't. He thought this cynical kid was going to be impressed by his guitar and cigars, I wasn't. I was of course curious, who wouldn't be!? I had loads of questions and still do. He acted as if his abandonment of me was normal yet wondered why I had forgotten he existed.  I was 3.5 when he vanished with his new wife. I am told the story how he offered me to my Dad as if I was a possession. Now my mother has never said too many bad things about him. We have talked about his strict upbringing, the bulling by his father, the smothering by his mother and the over the top Catholicism which was so farcical that his parents made my mum convert and to and made her prove she went to church before she could enter their house. They overlooked his behaviour, their youngest son could do no wrong.  Well he could, he did and continues to wreak havoc, cause anger and pain.  My opinion may seem harsh to my two half-brothers who were brought up by him and their mum but they've told me they didn't know I existed until 1984 or so. I was swept under his rug.  Now I had a great childhood, one that I look back on fondly, lovely family, sisters, cousins and of course my fantastic (step-dad) dad who took me on as his son, his only son and has done nothing but love me and raise me.  My biological father is incapable of that but there are scars. Deep down I wonder why he moved on and forgot about his first son. In a conversation in 1996 he told me my mum had made him stay away, another one of his lies. He needs to be a hero, he isn't.  My brothers do say he has some good qualities and yes he is a good musician and yes he is capable of love and creativity but I never saw it but he wanted me to be amazed by him. I can't be. Since 1985 he has sent me a birthday card with money in it and that stopped recently (as it should as I am  grown man) but this was his guilt manifesting itself for the 11 years he gave my mum nothing for me.  I have written to him on a regular basis since I was 16 or so. I came out to him in a long letter, he told me he was cool with that. He told me he had dedicated his first album to me (no idea why) but these were such empty gestures.  Being a dad is not about money, album sleeves or being 'cool' with things. It is about holding me when I am frightened, driving me to my grandparents even if it meant him missing his own plans, it is being at my graduation, visiting me, driving me to and from university and all the amazing little things he does and continues to do despite his age and old man grumpiness.  

This week my biological father told me in a 7 line letter that his sister, my aunt had died in May, he waited 2 months to tell me. The anger I feel is strong. People are apologising for him saying he is ill and weak. He can go to the pub every day, he can phone, text and brag about his happy life in a little letter then he could have the human decency to tell us my aunt had died so we could pay our respects.  This is not the actions of a sick man, these are the actions of a selfish man and I may be his first born but I am immensely happy that we share nothing but some strands of DNA.

I have spent most of my life thinking about what life would have been like if he had been in my life more.  Now I know I am damn lucky he wasn't.

July 20th, 2019