On the wrong path

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We are already 6 days into April, it is cold outside and my big move is only 2 months away and right now I am incredibly nervous about the whole thing. I think my recent visit to my family has given me a dose of nerves. Being with my family is lovely but it often makes me feel like a slight outsider. I left my family home 25 years ago this September to go to University. I returned for a year and that was unsettling for us all as I came out to my family in those 12 months and they say moving house or the death of a relative is stressful, try coming out to your mother the week of her birthday, now that is hard!  I don't feel as if you can ever truly go back, you are there, but you are not fully the person you were before you left, and neither are they.

So my visit home was lovely, it is important that I never forget where I am from and who I am but I never feel like I fully belong and if I stayed there more than 5 days I would go crazy and so would they. It is strange but I live a life in which no one needs me. Is that normal? Should I be needed? I have never been tested in that way. I feel that nothing I do can be of help to my family, I am not very practical and I am not rich. So the few days at home has unsettled me, I have started to think differently about my move to Barcelona. My mum said she was worried about me. That was enough to make me review all my decisions. Her words are powerful. Should I go? I’ve already resigned from work and that part of the decision does feel right. I cannot continue to be a cog in some engine that I cannot change or make better. I feel surrounded by people who cannot cope with thinking too hard or working hard, 1 day of hard work and they are off on the sick. Maybe the public sector allows that behaviour but when I look at my Dad who worked hard and rarely took a day off sick it makes me wonder. 



Barcelona seemed a much better idea in February, now it is April and I am not sure. My mum being worried about me is something I didn’t want!

And this is my current quote of the week:

'Never try to teach a pig to sing, it wastes your time and it annoys the pig.'

Sean Usher
April 6, 2013


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